UNLOCKING FREEDOM, LOVE & JOY: 20 KEYS TO A CONFLCT FREE LIFE
1. The Real Source of Conflict
All conflict takes place at the level of personality. The real fight is never about what people say they are fighting about. The real fight is the clash of egos and personalities that causes people to hold onto the energy and intensity of the fight. Once the interpersonal aspect of the conflict is brought into focus the fight will stop and people will creatively resolve the conflict. It's true in divorces, families, partnerships teams and organizations.
2. Listening is The Critical Most Important Skill
The only way to resolve conflict is to listen to what they have to say. Until you stop thinking about yourself, your position, and what you'll say next you have no chance to resolve the conflict. To really learn the value of listening spend a day in silence paying attention to what others are saying as opposed to thinking about what you will say when they shut up. Remember, all learning takes place when you listen to the words of others.
3. Powerful Negotiating
The most powerful negotiation tool is to find out what they want and figure out a way to give it to them; and get them to do the same!
4. Agreements
Making effective agreements is the best way to prevent and resolve conflict. It is a critical life skill we never learned.
5. Learning to Love Conflict
Life seems to be one conflict after another. It is essential to understand conflict and to develop a good relationship working relationship with conflict. The goal is to normalize it within your life so you don't waste any energy when conflict shows up.
6. Resolve Don't Compromise!
Compromise leaves someone disappointed. The people that are disappointed and give in sabotage the resolution. True resolution satisfies everyone. Use your creativity to find the solution that satisfies everyone.
7. Win / Win Agreements
Everyone talks about Win/Win agreements, but no one will tell you how to create one. Using the 10 Elements of Effective Agreements will lead to a true win/win agreement.
8. The Power of Agreement
The most powerful tool for getting the results you really want is to have everyone on the same page with a meeting of both heart and mind. The most powerful results happen when there is no dissonance and everyone is headed in the same direction.
9. The Real Cost of Conflict
As long as the conflict continues you pay a price in direct costs, productivity costs, opportunity costs, relationship cost and emotional cost. The expense is huge
10. Developing an Attitude of Resolution
Believing that there is a resolution you are committed to discovering is an essential component of discovering and designing it.
11. Preventing Marriage Conflict
Two critical elements - have a clear agreement about all aspects of your marriage - money, family, hobbies, socializing, work, recreation, and spirituality to name a few.
12. Agreements in the Workplace
To have effective work relationships whether you are the boss, the manager or the employee it is essential to have clear agreements
13. Team Agreements
The critical ingredient in a high performance team is the lack of conflict and clear agreements about what the team is doing and who is doing what.
14. Promises For Action
When working with others it is critical to know what you can rely on each other for, and weather the promised actions will get you the results you want.
15. Let Go of the Past and Create a Map to What You Want
Letting go of the past and creating a vision for the future is critical. Most people think this is very hard. Follow the path to getting current and complete and create a vision that keeps you engaged.
16. Suffering is Optional
Most people think that having conflict and suffering go hand in hand. SUFFERING IS NOT REQUIRED. The goal is to quickly recognize the stress of conflict and to jump to a new agreement. Don't focus on what's not working, look for the solution of a new agreement.
17. Winning May Be Losing
Resolving conflict is NOT about proving yourself right and winning. It is about examining and reconciling differences. It is critical to think long term and the transactional cost of staying in the conflict.
18. The Three Critical Conversational Steps
Telling the Story - getting out of your body the way you talk to yourself about the conflict
Getting Current and Complete - making sure you say the good, bad, and the ugly
Reaching a New Agreement - what is the new vision for the future of the relationship
19. The Power of Resolution
There is great Joy, Satisfaction and Empowerment in resolving conflict. What has been broken and fixed is stronger than what's new
20. 90 Days to the Freedom of a Conflict Free Life
A 90-Day Plan that will lead to the peace of mind you desire and deserve. It will take you about 90 days to complete a plan for resolution. In that period of time you can look at every aspect of your life that is unresolved such as: Family; Friends; Lovers; Ex's; Business Associates; Clients and anyone or any institution that you feel incomplete about. Where you can communicate directly with them, where you can't communicate with them resolve it within yourself and let go. Unfinished business will hold you back. Remember, sometimes the emotion lingers. If you just develop the intention to let go and hold onto that the emotional body will follow.
Comments
Bonnie says:
Stewart, I don't know where to start commenting. Each of the 20 keys is worthy of a blog post and comments. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. May we all choose to follow the path of heart and make a conscious commitment to make agreements, and be willing to update them as needed. A much more pro-active, peaceful, and loving path than waiting until we are involved in conflicts that need to be resolved, or if we are among those who avoid conflict at any cost, become more resigned, frustrated, shut down and shut off from deep and meaningful connection in business and in life.
So let's all make and agreements to be more productive and joyful in the coming year.
December 14, 2009 at 7:52 PM | Permalink
Jim says:
This is a great list, but could you take out #5 for me. We have the delete key just for times like these.
I must admit I have not taken that approach- ever. New ground.
BumperSticker"3 kinds of people --- Those who can count and those who can't."
December 14, 2009 at 8:23 PM | Permalink
David says:
Stewart, one of the big things I have learned in working with teams and conflict is that "it is not about me" and that it is really about the person yelling at me. This is sometimes very hard to do, but it has been a great lesson for me. Once I can realize that what they are saying is about them, is what can I learn from what they are saying? Or to put it into NVC terms "listening for their needs."
December 15, 2009 at 12:58 PM | Permalink
Stewart says:
Thanks for the coments...yes Bonnie good agreements minimize conflict. Sorry Jim, the list is the list and it's meant to take you to new territory! Yes David, most of what people say is a reflection of them...until folks understand how to process "their" stuff internally
before responding to the message...really, it's quite complex!
December 17, 2009 at 11:59 AM | Permalink