A few weeks ago I posted 20 keys for creating the freedom of a conflit free life. One of the comments I recieved was that each of the 20 keys I posted could stand alone as a worthy post. I decided to take that comment to heart and say a bit more about each one of the tips over the next few weeks and months. Here is the original key:
All conflict takes place at the level of personality. The real fight is never about what people say they are fighting about. The real fight is the clash of egos and personalities that causes people to hold onto the energy and intensity of the fight. Once the interpersonal aspect of the conflict is brought into focus the fight will stop and people will creatively resolve the conflict. It's true in divorces, families, partnerships teams and organizations.
I realizedthe truth of this key when I was doing a significant amout of divorce mediation. Most of the other people doing the work would immediately jump into what people were engaged in battling about - alimony, division of assets, child custody and support. And the battles would ensue. I knew that those property battles were just surrogates for the unresolved emotional conflict that was going on. My working thesis was that if I could surface and resolve emotional issues the property issues would be easier to resolve. And it worked. I always attacked emotional issues first and all else followed.
My continue to take my own advice in the organizational work I do. First look for the emotional hook between people in conflict. Address those personality clashes and what people were fighting about at a surface level will be resolved as an after thought.
Comments
Russell says:
I like this, it explains one of the core parts of Community Design that I teach : The Code of Honor or The Community Bill of Rights. When designing a community online or off one of the most important steps is to establish early on a clear code or set of rules that everyone who joins agrees to and every one has the right to expect will be followed and enforced by the group. In this way everyone has the expectation that they will be treated fairly and honorably so they can set aside their personal emotional concerns and get on with supporting and participating with the community.
January 5, 2010 at 5:39 AM | Permalink
David says:
Conflict is spelled wrong in the first line. What you are saying about conflict reminds me a lot of NVC (non-violent communications) where you are looking for the underlying need of the other person and asking how you can help meet that need, rather than
standing firm in your opinion and escalating the conflict. It reminds me of something my wife said to me during a fight we were having "Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a relationship?" Of course I chose having the relationship.
January 5, 2010 at 1:10 PM | Permalink
Stewart says:
I appreciate the resonance of the last two comments...in two separate areas of application - marriage and a value network community - the principlr clearly applies.
January 7, 2010 at 4:30 PM | Permalink
Jim says:
Stewart,
I could not agree more. I have come to much the same conclusion and you say it a little more eloquently. :) it is rarely what the papers say. I like: "First look for the emotional hook between people in conflict."
Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to slam a revolving door.
Maybe this humorous line could be rewritten: Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to resolve a divorce disagreement by focusing on what the couple say the issue is.
Thanks for the stimulating post.
January 10, 2010 at 8:38 PM | Permalink